I've read one of my blog entries about being impulsive which I wrote last year October. It made me think about how much has been changed ever since. I've given in to the fact that I can do what I want and when I want without giving it much though. I should do more of what I want right at the moment itself. Living in here and now.

Yet I found some obstacles that are standing in my way. Blocking my way even.
My thoughts are driving me crazy because every single moment, every second of the day they shift from one thought to the other. I don't know if it's a fight between my head and my heart, or between my consciousness and subconsciousness.
I'm trying to protect myself by shutting every feeling off. And in this case, I can't do whatever I want because that can change on an hourly basis. And since there a second person involved, I can't keep doing that because it will also drive him crazy and not just that, I will also be answerable for my actions which wouldn't happen if there isn't another person involved.

I need to make my decision and be strong enough to stick with it. It's really bad to fall for someone just because he's nice for once and gives you a little attention when he can also tell you that he's tired of you when he's the one that contacted you.
Maybe it makes it easier for me if I share this with the rest of the world, thinking that I can't do otherwise because others will read this and this I'm a hypocrite if I do otherwise.

I wish I could block phone numbers on my mobile phone but I don't know how to do that!!
But okay, that's going to test how strong I am and I actually highly doubt he will contact me after these 2 crazy days.
I just wish.......... I wish so many things.
Here I go again with my thoughtshifts, I can't even control it.
All above all, maybe I should really distance myself. Like for real. I know I told myself that a million times, but it will work one day.

Live the moment. But be careful.

Love

Even though we were born as an individual, you see that people are always finding something to care for. Whether it's something solid like a mobile phone or a baby or a companion or a lover, it makes them the happiest people in the world when they do something for others. Our jobs are based on that, we always help one another because that gives us satisfaction. People at shops help you buy the right shoe, dentists and doctors help you to get rid of pain, designers make products to make your life easier, artists share their passion so that for a moment you can forget about everything else around you.

I, myself, want to be there for someone in good and bad times, both. Not because I need it, because I'll always find something to care for, something or someone that makes me happy. But I choose him and I exposed myself to him because I chose him to deserve my care. My heart chose him to take my breath away, my heart chose to skip a beat for him and to open up for him. What our heart feels is not something we have in control, but I'm trusting it that it's making a right choice. I choose to follow my heart because it makes me happy.

I'm living my life, do things that make me happy, buy things that make me happy, work hard; I see things happening. And in the end there's always one thing that's on my mind. Him. And that's when I know why I'm alive, what my purpose is in life: to love and to be loved.
It sounds so easy, and it is easy. Everything else around makes us realize that this is what it's all about.
I've read this book about simplicity and it says that you can't appreciate simplicity without complexity. You don't know what simplicity is if there's no complexity. All the complex things, like work, being busy, fights, struggles will make us appreciate and come back to simplicity (love).

I don't know where I'm going with this story. But something made me remember why I fell in love with him in the first place and why it's so hard for me to let him go. It made me remember why I want to climb all these mountains because when I look at the bigger picture I know what we have is so beautiful.
Life is a struggle, it always will be. And when it's not it's boring. That struggle often makes us forget to look at the bigger picture and that's a pity.
We've had a lot of struggles and I can tell that it's not the end. But it's up to us whether we look past all these struggles.

There are people in this world who are unhappy because they're stuck with someone they don't love. There are people out there who can't find love. I believe we are the lucky ones that have found that love that everyone else wishes to have. And why let go of something when you found it, when it's there?

Call me a dreamer, an optimist, an idealist.. but this is what I truly believe.

Love always,
B.

Shameless plug

Just a shameless plug to my tumblr and deviant art.

I found the love of my life: photography!

http://beautyofdreaming.tumblr.com/
http://beautyofdreams.deviantart.com/

Not me

Heartbreaks, me? Naah. That's something that wouldn't ever happen to me, ever!

Three weeks later and all I wish for, is having him back. I'm crying over him. Something I could never imagine. I swore to myself that I would never cry over some guy because they all suck.
I swore to myself that I would never open myself up to someone so that I could protect myself.

I guess the saying 'love is blind' is there for a reason. I was completely blind, loved him with all my heart, I trusted him.

I should never have done that. I should have known that he's like any other guy: shallow, not to be trusted, taking any opportunity to 'cheat'. And meanwhile, he remarked every little thing I said or did.

At least I've been honest all this time. I have no feeling of any guilt.
Karma's a bitch. He'll get what he deserves.